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After Coinbase canceled my purchase of 2 BTC a second time because of "high risk", I sent them this email

Backstory: I verified everything their site asked me to verify and purchased 2 BTC for $990 each. When the price went up above $1100, they canceled my purchase. I sent them a polite but firm email after the first cancelation and they sent me a standard "sucks to be you" email and did not reverse the cancelation. Then I bought 2 BTC again at $970 each. The price is over $1050 now and they canceled it just an hour ago. Instead of getting angry and threatening them (which a lot of people in /Bitcoin claim to have done to varying degrees of success), I figured I'd try to get their attention. No idea if it will work or not but frankly, I don't have any alternative.
The email:
Dear Mighty Coinbase Algorithm,
I verified as much as possible (full Level 1 and Level 2 identity).
And yet you denied my humble request for 2 BTC once again.
First order for 2 BTC: [url-removed]
Second order for 2 BTC: [url-removed]
I duly request you to PLEASE honor the second order (which you just canceled hours ago) and grant me the 2 BTC.
It appears that your hunger for information knows no bounds so please accept the following as additional proof that I am a real person who can afford $2000 worth of BTC:
1) Pictures of my house: [url-removed] - the mortgage/taxes/insurance is over X BTC/month and here's some proof that I own it: [url-removed] - when you grant me the Bitcoins, I shall bury them beneath the mighty oaks in my backyard.
2) Pictures of our 5th Wedding Anniversary trip (Cruise to Alaska): http://chir.ag/gallery/alaska-cruise-2013 - As you can see, we love traveling. The Mrs. and I go on vacations whenever we can ( http://chir.ag/gallery/tag/travel ). When Bitcoins have taken over the planet, we shall use a few mBTC to go to Antarctica. I hear the Emperor Penguins are cute.
3) Zillow says my neighbors are top 1% rich: [url-removed] - clearly they wouldn't let yours truly's Chihuahuas ( http://chir.ag/gallery/homezoo2#18.jpg ) cavort with their Cavalier King Charles Spaniels if they deemed us unworthy.
4) Credit Karma says my credit score is over [score-removed] as you can see in the attachment: I-totally-did-not-photoshop-this-Screen Shot 2013-12-03 at 6.37.29 PM.PNG
5) Pictures of me building a better habitat for my ducks than the frozen-basement-in-NJ that I called home during my final college years: http://chir.ag/201311261250 and http://chir.ag/gallery/tortoise-duck-area - the total cost of building this was 5.3 BTC, no wait, 4.4 BTC, oh yay 2.3 BTC, NOOOOOO 12.54 BTC, oh we're back to 5.3 BTC. Phew!
6) Pictures of my brand new car in 2004: http://chir.ag/gallery/scionxa - look at how shiny it was! The car is completely paid off and though it is covered in hay because my wife decided to save 0.00453000000002 BTC and pick up the hay for our prairie dogs ( https://twitter.com/chime1998/status/392684977961594880 ) herself instead of getting the bale delivered, KBB says it is still worth at least 3 BTC - http://www.kbb.com/scion/xa/2004-scion-xa/hatchback-4d/?pricetype=private-party&vehicleid=3374&intent=trade-in-sell&mileage=100000
7) If a single karma on HN was worth $1, I could easily buy 6 BTC (or about 47550000 LTC according to BTC-e trollbox reporting about BTCChina prices): https://news.ycombinator.com/user?id=chime and a lot of that came from https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2333570 - of course, if karma could be converted to USD, you would be a spam blocking bot on /pics removing all sob stories. Here's a thought - which world would a typical redditor prefer: a world where there are no sob stories on reddit or a world where 1 BTC = $1m but reddit front-page is full of "My cat needs just 0.0000832 BTC".
8) Here's my resume last updated in 2010 because I have way too much work already and updating it with the skills I have acquired in the last 3 years will only get me more work: [url-removed]. And who needs to work when you just might let me buy 2 BTC!
9) Vine of my cockatiel Echo flying straight towards me because he is awesome and clearly, there are no fake accounts on Twitter: https://twitter.com/chime1998/status/399199716875177985
10) On Dec 3, 2013 you canceled my purchase of 2.00 BTC via bank transfer. Unfortunately, I have decided to cancel this cancelation because it appears to be totally random. Please understand that I do this to keep the Virtual Currency economy functional and avoid public floggings. Apologies if you are one of the good algorithms who gets caught up in this preventative measure - I don't get it right 100% of the time, but I need to be cautious when it comes to getting what I paid for. You may have more luck trying again in a few weeks. Best of luck and no thank yous for denying me BTCs.
Kind regards,
chime
© Guy who figured he'd try humor to get your attention. Next up, videos of me denying I ever wanted BTC, then angry for being denied BTC, then offering you my cats in exchange for BTC, then crying for not getting BTC, and then accepting that your algorithm is broken and buying some BTC on CampBX/GOX/BTC-e instead.
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